Marriage on the Rock

WE’VE GOT A PROBLEM!
The couple sat down facing the marriage counselor for their first visit. The counselor began by saying, I understand that you folks are struggling with a problem in your marriage. The husband angrily responded by saying, we don’t have a problem…she has a problem! She is the problem! If she would just get her act together, everything would be fine….in fact, we wouldn’t even be here. Taken aback, but not to be intimidated, the counselor offered a mild rebuke by saying, well,….you see, you are married and being married means that you share in your problems and in your solutions. So, I really need to require you to think in terms of, “we have a problem”! Fidgeting in his chair, the husband reluctantly agreed. O.K. I guess you’re right. We’ve got a problem. It’s her! It’s amusing but also tragic. The problem is…..we are all a problem, and the more of the problem we can assign to our mate, the less we have to bear. For starters, can we just recognize and acknowledge that we are all our own worst enemy, not our mate. And, if our mate recognizes the same about themselves, you’re on your way to a Marriage on the Rock!

MARRIAGE AND SPIRITUAL PRINCIPLES
Undeniable, embarrassing statistics tell us that many marrieds are unhappily so. Some reach the level of dissatisfaction that they view divorce as their only realistic option. Numbers reported by Christians are no better. What’s wrong? There is a simply profound answer. Husbands aren’t doing their job as husbands or wives aren’t doing their job as wives, or, as is usually the case, both of the above. Well, who didn’t know that? Nothing really profound there. The profundity and the simplicity is in why one or both are not doing their job. While marriage is many things, more than anything else, it is a spiritual union to be governed by spiritual principles and directives. These biblical injunctions, when utilized in the marriage relationship, will strengthen it, lengthen it and sweeten it. No husband, no matter how hard he tries, can be what his wife needs him to be without invoking the spiritual dynamics provided by God. This is equally true of wives. For starters, please give careful consideration to Ephesians 4 and 5 and Colossians 3. Principles found herein will absolutely revolutionize the relationship of all who use them.

THE RIGHT MOTIVATION FOR MARRIAGE
There are multiple motives why people marry. Most common, of course is, “we’re in love and/or we are seeking the happiness and fulfillment that we believe marriage will bring”. There’s nothing wrong with either of those motives, but both are somewhat less than the Biblical rationale of the agape or selfless love that the Scriptures enjoin. Agape love means that the lover is more concerned about the welfare of the intended than they are about their own welfare. Clearly, it’s a supernatural, God- kind of love. A man who is asking a woman to marry him, if coming from a biblical mindset will say to her something like this, “I realize that God has made you a woman and that you have certain important, legitimate needs that seek to be met. I care about you so much that the thought of your needs not being met is something I cannot bear. If you will marry me, I will personally and joyfully take up the responsibility for meeting those needs and I will place them above my own as Christ did His church”. This is the mental attitude that needs to be in place for a couple to have a marriage on the rock.

HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR WIFE TODAY?
Have you hugged your wife today? That’s what the engraved sign says that is attached to the inside of the door on the pastor’s study. Everyone leaving the office had to see it. Many asked about the wording and stated that the signs they had seen asked a different question. Usually, it was, “have you hugged your child today?” I explained that this sign was made specifically with the conviction that if a husband gave his wife frequent hugs, the children would get theirs. When mom and dad are on good terms, the children experience the overflow in an automatic fashion. We are tactile beings and in need of the human touch. Especially is this so when the touch is from one to whom we are committed for life. A warm, affectionate embrace provides for each partner a sense of well being and ongoing affirmation that every marriage needs. If you are not the “hugging” type (likely a husband) ask your mate if that’s true of them. If it isn’t, could you meet them half way with an honest effort in providing something that doesn’t mean much to you but does to them? Give it a try. You just may come to like those hugs! They can be an important contribution to a marriage on the rock.

HONEY, YOU ARE HOME!
You recognize that sobbing voice on the other end of the line. It’s that of yur daughter….daddy’s girl. She is now in the seventh month of marriage. Weeping profusely, she informs you that she and her husband have just had a big fight and she isn’t sure she loves him anymore. Pausing to catch her breath between sobs, she asks the Inevitable question,…….daddy, can I come home? What do you tell her, daddy? You tell her, honey, you are home! Dads and moms must resist (in the name of compassionate caring) the temptation to make it easy for their married children to run home when a marriage becomes difficult. These are typical growing pains for a marriage. As tempting as it is to say, this is always your home and you can come home anytime you want, doing so short-circuits a critical process that almost all marriages need to undergo. People need to grow up as a single and become mature and they also need to grow up in a marriage and become mature as a married partner. Of course, if physical abuse is involved, that’s a different situation. If they are coming home to seek counsel, that’s one thing….and still questionable, but coming home as in leaving their mate and moving back in with mom and dad is another, surely to produce regrets. It’s no way to build a marriage on the rock.

WHY GOD HATES DIVORCE
God tells us in Malachi 2 that He hates divorce. Why do you suppose this is? When we think about it, it should become apparent. Divorce is painful for everybody involved. Because God loves people, it should be obvious that He hates everything that hurts people whom He loves. Why then, does He even permit and regulate divorce? It is because of what Christ said in Matthew 19,”Moses, because of the hardness of you hearts permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning, it was not so”. It is permitted because someone is insistent on making their mate live an abused and miserable life, or permitted because someone in the marriage will not forgive their mate who wronged them. Divorce need never occur between believers, but, if one or both refuses to repent, apologize or forgive, an environment is created that makes marriage impossible. But, it isn’t only divorce that God hates. He hates all behavior that causes pain to people He loves. Hardness of heart (stubbornness) can end a marriage. Repentance, apology and forgiveness are all ingredients of a marriage on the rock.

ARE YOU FUN TO LIVE WITH?
Is your house a fun place to be? We’re not speaking of a miniature Disneyworld or an entertainment complex. But, do the people who live in your house like to be there? Or, do they look for reasons not to be there? It’s hard to be objective in answering that question, but it goes without saying that every home environment creates a specific kind of atmosphere. It tends to be inviting or discomfiting. Those familiar with your home atmosphere or those just visiting, quickly pick up on it. Are family members enjoying a relaxed, positive and memory –building life or….do they sense a tension of unpredictability that things could “blow” at any minute? It’s a tenseness that one could cut with a knife! Life is simply too short and a childhood at home even shorter to allow that kind of atmosphere to continue. Any family member who feels this, should be encouraged to talk about it and see what can be done. Honesty and openness are critical. There’s a lot at stake! Already lost days and months are gone and cannot be recaptured. But, those ahead can be prevented from becoming more of the same. Talk about it. You can’t fix it if you can’t talk about it. This is critical to a marriage on the rock.

WORDS NEVER TO UTTER
When in the heat of “battle”, husbands and wives can use certain hurtful and regrettable words. They make patching up things even more difficult. Some words or phrases really sting and hurt a lot more. Isn’t that why we use them? How about excluding them? That’s right……just omit them from our vocabulary and forego their strategic use. Words like “stupid” or “shut up” or “divorce” should by mutual agreement simply not be used, no matter how angry “they” make us. Agree to tie these forbidden words to your personal word and integrity that they will not be used in the future. Each couple knows what the magic words are between them. Agree not to use them and give them a decent burial. Then, when “kiss and make-up” time comes, and the sooner the better, you won’t have those deeply- wounding, verbal jabs to contend with. They are all about quarreling and we use them as a last resort when our arguments aren’t succeeding. Scrap the quarreling and nasty, taboo words and hone your skills of thoughtful argumentation. Kissing and making up is a lot easier and a marriage on the rock is enhanced all the more.

GAME-PLAN FOR DISCIPLINING CHILDREN
Conflict over the discipline of children is a major difficulty in lots of marriages, Christians included. There is fluctuation between being too strict or too lenient. It’s further complicated by our children, in that one may need a firmer hand than another. There are no simple solutions but some suggestions may help a lot. (1) Can mom and dad set aside time to privately discuss discipline standards and a game plan for their implementation? Putting what you agree upon in writing is essential for clarity and recollection. Misunderstandings will occur if you don’t write it down. (2) Avoid discussing anything that you talked about in private while you are in the presence of the children. AT ALL COSTS avoid talking about your differences or whose view should prevail. They are very perceptive and creative. If they so much as smell disagreement between mom and dad, they will exploit it by invoking the old divide and conquer strategy. Remember this? It’s the one you used when you were a kid! Don’t fall into their little trap but keep a united front at all times. Avoid trying to over-rule each other in family decisions but rule together-as one- and your children will be the greatest beneficiaries. It’s a great contribution to a marriage on the rock.

CHANGE IS HARD BUT POSSIBLE
He will never change!! I know him, and he will never change! It’s a familiar statement heard from many wives about their husbands and vice versa. It’s frustrating and discouraging. But, this pessimistic assertion that one will never change is untrue if only the right motivation can be found. While it’s true that the one needing change is responsible for doing it, a marriage requires that one’s mate help them by providing positive motivation to effect that change. And this motivation must not become manipulation. Positive motivation is God honoring while manipulation is not. Manipulation tries to change one’s mate so that they will be and do what we want. It is controlling and dishonorable and can be counted on to backfire. It always does. Our motivation for our mate to change must be because we love them and we know that the desired change would be in their best interest even more than in ours. Besides, a change in attitude and behavior from what is displeasing to the Lord to what is pleasing, is simply the right thing to do. Can we think in terms of a change in my mate to begin with a change in me? It’s characteristic of a marriage on the rock.

THE BASIS FOR A MARRIAGE ON THE ROCK
Some of the most familiar words spoken by Jesus Christ are found in the Sermon on the Mount. He concluded those enduring remarks with a challenge to all by saying, ”Therefore whoever hears these sayings of mine and does them. I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock, and the rain descended, the floods came and the winds blew and beat on that house, and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock”

The building of a life in general and a marriage in particular, requires the kind of stability and staying power that are realized only in a solid foundation. Adversity, and it will come, the winds and storms of uncertainty that visit us in one phase or another of our lives…..they will come---yet, they need not defeat us nor bring us to despair because we have a rock- solid foundation under us……the Rock of the person and authority of Christ Himself as declared in His Word. What an incredible privilege it is that belongs to the believer, to be able to order our life and marriage on the Rock.

PAUL AND HIS BOMBSHELL
It is ironic and even amusing that the Apostle Paul has, by some, actually been labeled as a woman hater, no doubt due to his inspired admonition to wives that they be in submission to their husbands. And, while they are castigating Paul for that, they overlook the bombshell that he directed to husbands in this same Ephesians 5 passage.”Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it.” That means a husband is to love his wife sacrificially! In all of the history prior to Paul, whoever heard of such a thing? No one! And when Paul uttered that inspired statement, no doubt there were men in his day who regarded him as a traitor to masculinity. Love your wife sacrificially?? You can’t be serious! But he was, as was Christ when He have Himself for the church. Then and now, the husband who loves his wife this way will surely elicit a response from her that he may never have known before. It’s a truly glorious thing! It has to be! It’s God’s way. It’s building one’s marriage on the Rock.

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME
We are all aware of how unpleasant and downright hostile the world around us can be at times. Pressures, deadlines, and just keeping one’s head above water in the working world is simply exhausting for many. But, in the midst of all that stress, there is one delicious thought that often pops up in the forefront of our mind. It’s home…sanctuary…peacefulness….unwinding. Do you look forward to going home with these things in mind? Can’t wait to get there……my loving, lifetime partner will be there. And if you are the one at home, does the sound of your partner pulling into the driveway give you a sudden feeling of well-being?

Together again! ,,several hours and a whole night to spend in the sheer enjoyment of my partner’s presence!? Ahhhh, what a life! What a gift God has provided for us in the pleasure of married life. Are you and your mate identifying with this description? This is a marriage on the rock.

THE MARITAL TUG OF WAR
The bride and groom stand all starry-eyed before the minister. With tenderness and sincerity, they make that promise to each other, pledges that will unite them and make them one. But, will there follow a conflict as to which one of them they will be? This describes the all-too-frequent power struggle. Some marriages, even among Christians, admit to being a perpetual power struggle, sometimes lasting the entire marriage. Surely, it must be exhausting and far from the fulfilling relationship they had hoped to enjoy. And, if they are displeased with the perpetual conflict, they may be sure that God is even moreso. Insistence upon having one’s own way is precisely what marriage was never designed to be, nor need it be. The joy derived from mutuality and the peace gained from preferring one another above oneself is priceless. And this is a joy available to every Christian couple. It’s a key ingredient to a marriage on the rock.

NOT A MARRIAGE BUT A MIRAGE
Here are John and Mary Christian. They know and love the Lord and they love each other deeply. And, of course, since they are Christians, everything in their marriage is hunky dory. Neither ever thinks a wrong thing and neither says a wrong thing….especially to each other. Their whole marriage game-plan is simply bent on pleasing their mate. Never is a cross word spoken between them, never an iota of selfishness…..just uninterrupted bliss and happiness! But really now,……that isn’t a marriage, that’s a mirage! Real people, like we all are, are capable of very unbecoming attitudes and behaviors. It’s part of the human condition. But the good news is that God, along with marriage, has made every provision for us to effectively counter-act those unbecoming attitudes and behavior. He has done that through the spiritual principles found in His Word…..and, they work! We intend to explore them and rejoice in each one right here on Marriage on the Rock.

CHEERLEADING IN-LAWS
Probably all of us have heard our share of in-law stories. While some are hilarious and all can enjoy the humor, we know that some are simply tragic and really painful to everyone concerned. Perhaps conflict is inevitable among non-Christians, human nature being what it is. But, for those who name the name of Christ, there is simply no excuse for adversarial relationships to even exist, or, if they do, there is no excuse for their continuing. God has graciously provided the assets necessary for in-laws not merely to get along but to sincerely appreciate and be grateful for one another. A married couples’ in-laws (on both sides) ought to be their greatest cheerleaders. There may be obstacles to overcome, but the point is, they can be. Can we get beyond our pride, jealousy or resentment so as to implement these spiritual provisions? Everybody who professes Christ needs to do this….eagerly! Life is too short and relationships are too valuable for anything less. To refuse is to squander priceless resources that God provided in His redemptive work on our behalf. How can we do that?

THE BEST GIFT TO YOUR CHILDREN
Every loving parent is always on the lookout for whatever provision they can make for their children that would be in their best interests. Spiritually, socially, academically…… we all want our children to have the best opportunities and experience that we and life can afford them. Yet, there is something to be preferred over the best school, the best peer environment, the best provisions in food and shelter and the best of everything else that money can buy. The greatest gift that mom and dad can give their children is to let them witness on a daily basis how you as their parents are completely/unconditionally in love with each other. Nothing builds security and a critical sense of well-being into children as this. Mom and dad are the two people on earth who mean more to them than anyone else. For them to see these two people deliriously enraptured with each other,…means that all is well with their world. It’s the very greatest gift you could ever give to your children. It’s another blessing of a marriage on the rock.

KEEP ON DATING
Well,……the wedding is over. Maybe it has been for a long time. Now, you’re down to business with a marriage. Fun’s over! Excitement was for our younger years. Now, it’s ho-hum time. Hey!….Don’t ever let anyone sell you that! Whoever said that dating ends with marriage has it all wrong. Sure, the courtship is over….so is the pressure. You know,….. the pressure of trying to win the heart of the one you married. And now that that’s accomplished, you can both concentrate and enjoy the relaxed atmosphere while you continue dating. Plan your date nights. Surprise each other with something special and it need not be expensive. Make arrangements for the kids and get away together, if not for a few days, at least for a few hours. It’s remarkable how emotionally energizing some well planned time together can be….just the two of you. If you spend the time necessary to make it happen, you’ll find it to be a good investment that pays great dividends. It’s a great contribution to a marriage on the rock.

THE NO COMPETITION MARRIAGE
A marriage cannot enjoy a more comforting or secure reality than that of knowing that there are no competitors for your mate’s love and devotion. This is because of the ongoing completeness of their loyalty and their unwavering commitment to “keep myself only unto thee so long as we both shall live”. There is simply no room for that destructive third party, nor is there any desire on the part of either mate to make room. It should also be noted that the best preventive to a third party ever arising is for both mates to attend to the care and nurture of the marriage in such a way that a high level of contentment and satisfaction are maintained. Seldom does a roving eye come from a happy and fulfilled relationship. Is it the responsibility of each husband and wife to see to it that their partner remains ever so grateful and pleased to be married to them? Absolutely!! It’s part of our job description and its part of a marriage on the rock. Husbands,…wives…let’s hop to it!

INTEGRITY IN MARRIAGE
Recent statistics continue to reveal an alarming failure rate in American marriages. More couples than ever have decided they no longer want to be married….at least not to their present spouse. Perhaps even more surprising is the fact that there is little, if any ,real difference between the failure rate of non-Christians and those who profess to be Christian.. But, don’t Christians hold themselves to a higher standard than non-Christians? And, should not their standards stretch across the whole fabric of life, including marriage? A non-Christian can repeat vows at the altar and regard them as mere tradition and ceremony……don’t take them too seriously…after all, later on you may not feel the same way toward this one you married when you spoke those vows…and no one would expect you to stay in the marriage then,…. would they? And, so it goes.. Yet, the Christian, who takes faith seriously must place a premium upon promises made, not only at the wedding altar, but anywhere. There are many things that distinguish Christians from non-Christians and being true to one’s word should rank among them. One’s personal integrity is at stake in the keeping of them. Marriage vows are surely not an exception. It’s part of having a marriage on the rock.